The Tophetites and the Holdemites

Saturday, October 6 – 1917
A little brochure entitled “Chronicles of the West” or the history of the Tophetites and the Holdemites from the writings of the scribs Ahs was published locally by a Mr. Weddell about a month previous to the first meeting of Everton and Liverpool, on October 13, 1894.

Fancy twenty-three years bate seven days. It also contained an account “on that Great Battle which turned out to be prophetical. To “retrospect” for a minute, Everton tenanted Anfield until 1892. Them a “split” occurred as to the rental of the ground, which was the property as all Merseysiders know, of Mr. John Houlding, the brewer.

Everton decided to move, and at a meeting of gentlemen (Mr. John McKenna is one of the few survivors of that historic gathering who were on Mr. Houlding’s side held at that worthy’s residence in the spring of 1892, it was decided to form am opposition. And the name of “Liverpool” was conferred on it after a vain effort to secure the title of the outgoing tenant, “Everton.”
Hence the term “Holdemites” (Houldingites) and “Tophetites” after the “original” Everton toffee purveyed by an old lady, who was in later years pictured as “Mother Noblett.” And now for the first one or two chapters of the famous chronicles;-

Now it came to pass, in the latter reign of the great Queen, whose palaces are in the islands of the North Sea, that many warlike young men combined together into small tribes to play at the great kik-basl.

And they set apart no sacred to this new god the seventh day of the week. For, behold the people had become as mad for this game, which had been brought from the great Northern tribes, yes, even from the hard-featured warriors who inhabit the land of the unleavened cake, and who wear many-coloured garments.

Now, in the great city of ships, which is by the Mer-sea and which is called the pool of the Liver, there were two tribes which had their habitation. The one tribe was called the Tophetite, and the other one called the Holdenites.

In the days when the great Chief held away these tribes were of one flesh, and the people came far and near to see them valiant men of war do battle with other strange tribes. And the people cast their gifts of gold and silver into the treasury, and the tribe waxed strong and mighty in the land.

Now, their stronghold was in the field called An. But lo and behold, dissensions arose in their midst and one section cried “We will not have this king to reign over us; neither will we bow the knee to him” so they rebelled and turned their backs on the field called An and went forth in search of new pastures.

Now it came to pass that there as a great field not far off called Sunnygood, and they took it and digged about it, and built large galleries round about it and made many gates. And when it was finished they shouted with a great about, and cried “Behold there is not a place like unto it in all the land. And the people said, “Yes of a verity there is none like unto it.”

But the Holdenites saw it and were wrath, and cried with a loud voice to be led against them, so that they might smite them hip and thigh. But the Tophetites sat in the upper seats of the Kik-baal synagogue. And waged strong and mighty, and their fame went out into all lands.

But the Holdemites fell behind, for the people flocked to the field called Sunnygood and forsook the field called An. And the Holdemites cursed them by their gods. But the great Chief was cunning and full of wisdom. So he communed with himself for a little space, and said in his heart “I will yet humble three sons of Belial, yes, even unto the very dust.”

And he cast his eyes abroad, even unto the shaggy land of the North, and sent messengers thereunto and his messengers gave shekels of gold unto the great tribes of the Macs. And his messengers returned bringing with them the best and hardiest amongst these tribes. And the Macs ruled in the field called An.

Chapter II.
Now it came to pass that these Macs worked strongly and mightily so that the hearts of the tribes who fought against them became as water and their knees mote one against the other. And lo, it came to pass in the year Ninety and Three, even far in the year Ninety and Four, that none of those who sat on the lower seats could be found to withstand them.

And there was great joy in the field called An. Moreover, the rulers and those in authority in the great Kik-baal decreed that the Holdemites should be raised to the upper seats because of their great valour.

And, as a test they put them into the field against the Heathen’s; and, lo and behold the Heathens were so sorely smitten that they bowed their heads and said, “It is enough.” And the Holdemites reigned in their stead.

But the Tophetities spoke one to another and said; “We shall see what we shall see.” For they were astonished. Now those in authority cast lots and the lots decreed that in a little test the Tophetities and Holdemites should do battle with each other.

And the time was fixed for the tenth month, and the thirteenth day of the month. And all the city was strangely moved when they heard these tidings, and the people divided themselves into two sects and each sect vacated over the other.

Now, the great day came even the seventh day of the week and behold a praise of chariots and of horses even the noise of a great host, was heard in the north part of the city and vast multitudes poured into the gates of the field Sunnygood so that there was no more room.

Howbeit some of the people clambered up, even into the galleries. And many valiant men; clad in blue garment and having emblems of authority stood upon the roofs and gazed upon the multitude with stony eyes.

And men skilled in the sounds, stood in the midst of the field and placed on the harp, the sackbut the dulcimer the tumbrel, the cornet and the psaltery. And all the people waited.

And on one side as a small house built of wood, having windows in the front thereof, and many scribes sat therein! And lo one had an hour-glass by his left hand. And it came to pass when all was ready the musicians lifted their instruments and departed; and lo a door in the east opened and straightway the warriors came running out, and after the other.

And mighty about rent the sir. The Tophetites came forth with blue upper garments and their legs were clad in white lines. The Holdenites also came forth clad in parti-colored atonal. And both had greaves covering their shin-bones, tied with leather thongs. And all of them were pleasant to behold.

And each tribe had a ball of fine leather. Now, these balls were full of nothing and they did diver curious acts with them. On their toes they lifted them up, and butted them with their heads. And the one that stood between the posts which were covered behind with network caught the balls and swiftly threw them out again.

And all the people shouted for joy. But, lo and behold that manner of things passed, as a man having authority came in their midst, having a clear-sounding instrument in his hand. And he raised this to his mouth and blew, and straightway the warriors gathered round.

And the captains came forward and did obedience to each other. And one threw a coin into the air, having the imagine and superscription of victory on it, and when it fell it decreed the place where each should stand. And he who had won chose the best and of the field for his men. And the light shone behind them.

And a new ball was placed to the middle of the field and all lined up in order of battle. And silence fell upon the great multitude.
(Liverpool Football Echo, 06-10-1917)

The next article in the series can be found here.

The Holdemites of 1894.